Hero He Is Not
by Bowsenbell
Summary: Why's Harry always the hero? Because Ron is stupid, that's why. (Don't hate me Pansey!)


Disclaimer:  Do not own Harry Potter.  Whoop.  

            Ronald Weasly was in Potions class, inhaling desk.  Meaning he was facedown on it.  Because class was boring.  And would you believe it, there was a substitute teacher!  Wow.  Maybe someone killed Snape…  Oh no, I remember now!  I paid that hit-man last week….  Sorry, Snape-fan-girls!  

Anyhow, Ron quite frankly wondered why he was in this story.  He is merely the dopey sidekick.  The fan-girls tend to disagree, but he wondered anyway.  So he was sitting there, thinking about the benefits of being a sidekick, when it suddenly hit him!  

"Hold on a second!" he exclaimed, standing upright and tipping the desk over in doing so, "Who the hell says I **have** to be the sidekick?!  **I** sure don't!"  And with that, he grabbed his books, wand, bag of Cheez-Its, and ran out of that drab and dreary classroom faster than you could say "Far-fig-noogle!".  His classmates stared after him and wondered what he'd been smoking.  Hermoine and Harry tried to remember whether their friend had been near any open paint cans or markers recently.  

Ron barged into his room and ran to the trunk at the foot of his bed.  If he was going to be an ex-side-kick, he'd need supplies to do it.  Yep.  He wanted to be the hero.  So he thought of the first person that came to mind.  

"How does Harry do it, anyway?  Maybe it's all in the props…"  He feverishly rummaged around in the trunk for something that would resemble an Invisibility Cloak.  Finding nothing really suitable, he settled for….. a quilted blanket.  Pink, brown, and blue.  

"Ha!  No one will see me now!" he cried, throwing it over his head.  Indeed, this story's hero must be smoking something…  Whatever it is, I want some!  Er… yes.  So, garbed with the garish blanket, he confidently walked out of the room, out of the common room, and through the halls of Hogwarts.  No one thought to stop him.  Well what would **you** do if you saw an ugly blanket marching down the hall?!  You'd run in the other direction, that's what!  

Needless to say, he was not hindered.  Peeves the Poltergeist thought about it, but he settled for stealthily planting a microscopic camera on the hapless walking blanket, so he could sell the ensuing shenanigans on the Internet later.  (How else do you think he makes a living?!)  

As you can surmise, Ron didn't notice, but that hardly matters.  He was a man on a mission!  A Joe on a job!  A twit on a task!  A guy on a…..  Right.  Back to the story.  

Ron thought to first start his hero-career in the Forbidden Forest…..  But Ron's a ninny-pin, so he headed for Hogsmeade first.  A hero needs more than an Invisibility Cloak *cough-ohplease!-cough* as supplies!  And you know what else?  He's even more of a ninny-pin than I thought, so he unthinkingly wasted his last few Sickles on some gum.  **Gum**!  Of all things….  Armed with his "cloak" and gum, he made his fifth stupid idea of the day.  (Yes, fifth.  Go back and count if you don't believe me!)  He apparated to Scotland.  

As all of you devout, die-hard Potter-fans know, this was highly dangerous.  Ron is underage and does not have his apparating license yet, which can tragically result in….. splinching.  So guess what?  His body landed in the middle of a flock of sheep, and his head landed in the shepherd's lap.  The poor man fainted at having a human head suddenly appear in his lap, so Ron was (thankfully) able to retrieve his splinched head without much incident.  Whew.  

"Now, what **kind** of hero am I gonna be….?" Ronald wondered aloud, screwing on his noggin.  

Yes indeed, what kind of hero was he going to be?  (Quite frankly I had no clue.)  There were the damsel-rescuers, the dragon-slayers, the bus-full-of-children-savers…..  Such a menu.  But, as luck would have it, the opportunity presented itself.  (Very rare, as opportunities are rather introverted.)  A Scottish Shortsnout whomped into the grazing field at that very moment.  (Note: whomping dragons typically property of Piers Anthony, author of the Xanth series.)  

The unconscious shepherd and his sheep were far from a damsel in distress, but they'd have to do.  Time for the dragon-slaying business!  Ron flung back his "cloak", freeing his arms for battle.  

"Lessee, how'd Harry do it….."  

You must excuse dear Ronald, for his best friend Harry was the only hero he'd ever actually encountered.  By some he might be called an ass-kisser, but we all know better, now don't we?  Yes we do….  Ron's a dumbass.  

"Yes!  I have it!" Ron yelled, whipping out his wand.  The dragon snorted, knowing not that he wasn't the only one wondering what thins person was smoking.  "Prepare to be vanquished, dragon!"  He charged forward like the Grand High Moron himself, brandishing the wand as if it were a battle-axe.  The dragon took a few frantic steps backward, worried that insanity was catching.  Suddenly…….  

"**Ron you flaming eejit!!!  What're you doing?!?**"  

Our redheaded pseudo-hero screeched to a halt, and promptly fell on his ass from the whiplash.  The poor dragon snuffled in confusion, staring at this new human who looked strangely like the first one.  There were more of them!  They were attacking!  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  Okay.  In any case, the dragon ran away to see a psychiatrist.  

"**Charlie?!?**" Ron yelled in surprise, "What the heck are you doing in Scotland?"  His older brother ran up to him and seized him by the ear.  

"Your friends dropped a line and told me that you'd taken off.  God, you are **such** a dumbass!" he cried exasperatedly, dragging Ron back the way he'd came.  Ron tried to explain.  

"But…. The dragon…. And….. and it….  The sheep!"  

"Don't even try, you know that was an endangered species!" Charlie raved back, for he was a dragon-expert.  ^____^  We all love Charlie, don't we?  Yes we do….  

And thus Ronald's valiant effort at becoming a hero was bunged.  Tah-dah!  The end!  ^_______________^  Have a good day.  Thank you, come again!  


End file.
